Something else to add to the oh so confusing world of being a Vilomah (if you haven’t heard the word, I recommend looking it up, but not in a dictionary because it’s not there yet. It’s a heavy word but so necessary in society. I’ll get more into that later…and by later I mean another blog post, I’ll leave you in suspense).
This something else to add is the fact that I am still mothering two children. Sounds crazy because, well, one of them isn’t here, and yet, I’m still mothering him. I’m the mother of two boys who hold equal spots in my heart, my soul, my brain, and my world.
This fact holds true all year round but especially right now, during the holidays.
Here is a perfect example:
Fortunately for us, Baby Bear is still young enough to be more excited about the boxes than he will the actual gift when they come Christmas morning. Taking advantage of this opportunity, we will be wrapping up a box of diapers, his already used toys, and a package of diaper wipes. He’ll be as content as ever, and know no different. (And because I’m not a total grinch, yes, I did buy him a couple new things and will fill his stocking – possibly with more wipes, but again, he’s 1, he won’t know the difference). So in the midst of collecting things for him (both old and new), and the rest of our family (don’t worry, they all get new) I’ve been doing a decent amount of shopping, aka a decent amount of trips to Target. During one of my first holiday shopping trips to Target, I noticed these cute little stockings with initials on them. Stockings in our family are just as important as the gifts, and even more special. We all have hand made stockings (except Baby Bear, but we’re working on that #secondchildproblems) and the hope that Santa fills each one with a toothbrush, Lifesavers book, and chocolate coins is still there. These little stockings I wanted to buy would purely be for decoration. Something with each of our initials to hang together as a family. So, I start looking through the bin. Found the L, the J, a couple of A’s, another J in a different pattern, a green AND a red L….no Q. Next trip to Target I look again. Same issue. Not a single Q. Clearly I’m not purchasing these little stockings without a Q. It wouldn’t be right. Every time I go to Target I’m still looking for a Q, and still nothing (including a late night shopping excursion with the bf, still no Q’s even at 10pm). At this point, I’m passed the point of finding these little stockings to hang as our family of four (and a bit annoyed they don’t have a single Q. They have X, Y and Z, but no Q). Alas, I’ve moved on. I then notice they have a little Mickey Mouse stocking (30% off, I might add) and Baby Bear is currently obsessed with Mickey Mouse. So, I pick that up. I can’t just get him a stocking though, I need one for Quinlan as well. Him being the Superhero he was, I grab him a Batman stocking to hang next to Mickey. Stocking purchase complete but not fully what I was hoping for.
Yes, I could have bought the L, J and A, but that’s not my family. My family is four parts and the Q is and always will be included.
From the jewelry I wear (my two rings, one with the August birthstone and one with December’s, and the necklace with a flower for each of the boys) to the birthdays we celebrate to family pictures we take. He is included.
I am thinking about him, worrying about him, loving him every second of every day, just like I do with Baby Bear. My two sons.
It’s confusing to all (including myself) because how do you mother one child who’s here and one child who’s in heaven? It’s a very split feeling. You want to be in both places at once. Holding both of them together, but knowing that will never happen. Wanting to make sure you’re sharing enough memories about one, while still making enough memories with the other.
Oh this journey is so f’d up.
So, if you’re reading this and thinking I sound a bit nutty, oh well, you can think that (because yes, I can be a bit nutty at times). But in this situation, it’s my new normal and it’s how it has to be, as confusing and f’d up as it is.
And as a side note, I do want to again say how thankful we are for everyone’s love and positive thoughts over the last few years. It’s not easy but it could be a lot harder without your genuine support.
J, L, Q, A