A new realization has hit me. Something I’ve been told over the last 2.5 years and have “heard”, but haven’t really been applying to my life as I probably should be.
It started a couple weeks ago when I decided I wanted to wean off of my med (aka chill pill). I talked to my doctor about it and she was all for it, as long as I felt okay with it. My thought was “Well, yeah I’m okay with it. It’s a low dose. I’ve been feeling better in terms of major anxiety. Let’s wean!” So, I proceeded to take my chill pill every other night, instead of every night. Okay great. Here we go.
About a week later, I started noticing that I was feeling a bit more sad, breaking down more than I had been, more anxious, thinking back to more of the sad times with Quinlan, more of the angry “why” feelings instead of the proud “wow” feelings. Hmmm, okay, well this hasn’t happened in a while. I know grief comes in waves but this just seemed different.
It didn’t occur to me until a day or so later that I was having withdrawals from the meds. WTF! I did not see this coming. How did I not expect to feel a change?! It’s so obvious, yet it wasn’t on my radar. Duh!
After talking to a couple people and mentioning how I was feeling (and realizing it is withdrawals. Again, duh!), a couple things made me come to this realization (don’t worry, the actual realization is coming, I know you’re waiting in utter suspense).
First, a close friend of mine asked the simple question “why are you coming off the med?” Seems like an easy question to ask and answer. I quickly replied “Just to see if I can cause I don’t want to be on it forever”.
Okay so there’s that.
The second point that was brought to my attention is from a complete stranger. A friend of a friend I met at a bereavement conference I attend once a year. She told me she got this pep talk from a great friend of hers, and it hit me, in a good way: “You have been through a trauma that nobody should have to endure, and most cannot even fathom. It’s your reality so you’ve adjusted and somehow, on some level, come to view this as normal. It’s not fair and it’s not normal. GO EASY ON YOURSELF. If the goals you set for yourself take a little longer to reach then that is OKAY. You got up today, you did your best. You’re in the early days of this trauma of losing your child. Go easy on yourself.”
Like, woah. Realization (that I’ve “heard” a million times): GO EASY ON MYSELF.
It makes sense. It really truly does. But, how does one do that? It sounds easy, but to actually do it, consistently, every day. Do you know how hard that actually sounds to me? Probably part of the reason I’ve “heard” it for so long but actually just realizing now that it needs to happen. I’m not talking about “taking it easy” like leaving dirty dishes in the sink overnight “to soak” (as my husband likes to call it) so I can relax for a few minutes, or sitting down to watch some mindless tv when the baby has a few toys to keep him occupied. Those things I have no problem doing, as many can tell you. It’s the deep down, in the core, mindfully making myself ACTUALLY go easy thing that needs to happen.
When my friend had asked me the simple question of “why” and I replied “cause I don’t want to be on it forever”, well, that’s a silly answer. Why do I feel the need to prove that to myself right now? Two and a half years of grief after losing your child is no where close to forever. Really, it’s just beginning. If I can’t wean right now, then I can’t and that’s fine. In the words of a complete stranger, my new normal is not normal. I’ve been through a trauma that nobody should have to endure, and most cannot even fathom. If I can’t reach that goal right now and it takes a little longer, that’s OKAY.
I’ll be honest, most of the time I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I am a bereaved parent. I lost my child. That doesn’t happen in my world. That’s not normal. But it is my normal. So, if treating myself a little easier, maybe be a bit vulnerable, well then so be it. I have to realize that’s what has to happen.
And, so yes, if I need to stay on my chill pill for now, it’s the least I can do to actually go easy on myself (and still leave the dishes in the sink, and watch Real Housewives. Don’t judge.)