Today’s the day I made it to Wednesday

Happy Wednesday, all! Or, if you’re as lucky as me, your husband calls it “Hump Daaaay!” And if you’re name is Mike, you know he’s going to start it off with “Mike, Mike, Mike!” <insert eye roll>

Today, however, is more then just a “mid-week, woohoo we are one day closer to Friday” Wednesday. I am officially more then half way through my first week back to work after 14 weeks of maternity leave. Yes people, I have made it through and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ve been going back and forth on how I feel about going back to work. Not that it changes the fact that I have to go back, it just adds on more emotions. Because who doesn’t want to feel new emotions after having a child. I mean, it’s not like having a kid, period, doesn’t give you enough feelings. Or having lost a child doesn’t fulfill your “feelings” tank for life. Why not keep adding emotions, on top of emotions, on top of emotions. Well, because that is life. And more specifically, that is parent life.

So, back to these feelings. On one hand I obviously feel very lucky to have had 14 weeks off. That isn’t something that happens very often these days (and clearly needs to change). I was able to spend those exhausting first months at home snuggling with this new life we created. Spending many days in sweatpants and an oversized Patriots sweatshirt that ultimately ended up smelling like spit up, while trying to remember to pee became my new routine. Up 5 times a night? No problem, at least I can hibernate in the house and not care that my hair is in knots (not a cute top knot either, like a full on rats nest knot) and my teeth are not brushed. Just a sneak peek into maternity leave for those wondering. And also a reason why having maternity leave in general in this new motherhood world is so dang important. Would I say 14 weeks is “enough”? I can’t actually say how long is enough, but for me, it’s appreciated.

Continuing with the feelings of luck, our daycare situation would also fall under this category. We have an amazing village helping to make sure baby bear is well taken care of. People we have known for many years (one I can say that I’ve known her entire life) are the ones helping to take care of the little guy while Bear and I work. This definitely helps in transitioning from the maternity leave world to the working world. Add to the fortunate column.

Now for the “needless to say” column of not so fortunate feelings of returning to work:

Not getting to spend more time with your growing, ever changing baby every day. Having to use my brain and actually think about things other than changing diapers and making a bottle (I may still be working on this part. It has only been 3 days, give me some time). Hoping to not miss any “firsts” (words, steps, rolls, crawls – I need to stop before I start tearing up thinking about this part). And most importantly, the feeling of working mom guilt because being at work is a necessity. This time the guilt is felt a bit more. Now knowing first hand how precious every second is with your child, part of me wants to spend every second possible with baby bear. While the other part of me knows that would not be healthy for either of us. My sanity would turn the corner to insanity quite quickly. So for me, it’s going to be finding a balance. A balance of wanting to keep him wrapped up in a snuggle for the rest of my life, and also knowing he needs to see other faces and be the social (3 month old) little man he needs to be in this crazy world. How it’s going to go, I’m not too sure, check back with me in a couple years.

So, now to get through the next 30 years and I’ll be good. Retirement, here I come!

💚Mama Bear

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