“I have to admit” something you say often, I’m sure. “I have to admit…I did not like that dress on her!” “I have to admit…I totally cried watching that commercial!” “I have to admit…I did not want to do that, but I’m so glad I did!”
Some “admits” are easier to admit than others. Some are judgmental. Some are embarrassing. Some give a sense of relief.
I have something to admit. It’s something I didn’t think I’d ever actually admit to myself. “Myself” being the hardest person to admit something to, if I want to be completely honest. You can say things to other people, and they’ll believe you, even if it’s not 100% the truth, they don’t know that. But to actually admit the truth to yourself, that’s when it gets tough. There’s no bs’ing yourself unfortunately.
This “admit” is not easy to come out with because I feel like I will judge myself. Yet at the same time it may feel almost freeing to finally be able to get it out there.
I have often said that what we went through with Quinlan “wasn’t easy, but you do what you have to do as a parent” which is true. But what I have to admit is this: what we went through with Quinlan was really f’ing hard.
There is it. It doesn’t sound like something so crazy to put out there that I’m worrying about judgement but for some reason it is. I’m sure for many of you it’s quite anti-climactic. You could be thinking “Yeah, parenting is hard, what’s your point?” which is 100% true no matter what you journey is with parenthood, it’s not easy. But this is different.
Maybe you thought I’d admit that I had plastic surgery or that I’m finally admitting to being some sort of super human (ha yeah right). But to admit that raising my own child was beyond hard, isn’t easy to have everyone reading this know. It may make me seem weak, or unprepared as a parent. It is so difficult to be a parent of a medically fragile child. It wasn’t just “not easy”, that’s sugar coating it. Yes, we did it because we had to and we would do anything and everything for Quinlan. But it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.
I don’t want this to come across as a “patting myself on the back because this was the journey we were given so I deserve praise” type of post. Not even a little bit. Every single parent out there deserves a pat on the back regardless of their journey. What I’m saying is that before becoming a mother to a medically fragile, special needs child, I will be honest and say I never really thought about what it must be like for those raising special needs children. I had never stepped foot in Children’s Hospital and saw all of the beautiful children who’s parents need that little extra boost to arrange for the extra doctors appointments, medications, therapists, and extra attention that comes with the role. Those parents who could really benefit from a few extra hours in the day to not only get their day to day stuff accomplished, but also the extras that their children need finalized before their day is over (only to have to repeat it again the next day, and the next, and so on). Not to mention the stares from strangers who see your child and give the inquisitive look of “what is wrong with him?” The feeling of wanting to scream because you yourself don’t know what is wrong with him, so how can you judge someone else for looking and wondering the same thing.
It’s f’ing hard.
To all of my friends and fellow special needs parents, those who have a few (or many) extra doctors appointments to go to, or therapy appointments to set up. Those who could really benefit from those extra hours in the day to make sure their child’s medications are prepared or the nursing schedule is finalized, I’m thinking of you, I appreciate you, and I’m still in awe of you.
It’s the hardest, yet most rewarding job there is and nothing will ever stop you from doing all you can for your child. But it’s ok to admit that it’s f’ing hard.