Today’s the day to retrain the brain

Oh hello. It’s been a while.

I have been all over the place (mentally, not physically, I can barely walk a block never mind actually travel anywhere). This pregnancy has been SO different then my first. I’m bigger, sorer (not a word), tireder (again not a word), and my brain just hasn’t been fully functioning (prego brain for the win). I come up with a thought to write about but then it just disappears once I go to actually put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard). And then once the thought disappears, my brain shuts down and you can most likely find me laying down and falling asleep. Add in hourly nausea the first few months, aches and pains the next few months, and now peeing every hour because this kid is a kicker/puncher/stretch Armstrong wannabe and that’s pretty much how this pregnancy has been going.

But…I wouldn’t change it for anything. We have been so lucky to have this little guy growing as he should and looking great. Not a whole lot longer now, and I can’t believe it’s gone by as fast as it has. (Now I’ve probably jinxed it and these last couple months will drag, ugh!)

Speaking of the next couple months, I’d like to just vent for a bit. While we are for sure the lucky ones who still have our house, we unfortunately are part of the large group in our area that are unlucky and have lost our gas due to the explosions in the Merrimack Valley last month. No heat, hot water, stove, or dryer. Now again, how lucky are we that we have a roof over our head, electricity to watch tv, cook (in our microwave, crock pot, and toaster), keep food in our fridge, and lights to turn on. I can’t say there aren’t others much worse off then we are right now, I do want to put that out there.

This whole situation, however, has got me thinking about a couple things. The usuals like “what if the baby comes while our gas is still out? What if the pipes freeze? etc, etc. But there is one big “what if” question that I really shouldn’t be thinking about right now but it’s me and it’s how my brain works, so it’s always going to be a question in my mind.

Here it is: how would we be dealing with this if Quinlan was still here?

To answer: I have no idea, we would have just done it. At least we have electricity so he would have had his ventilator, feeding tube set up, oxygen, and suction machine. That’s a plus. But for a child who had no control over his body temperature do to his diagnosis, staying in a house with no heat would have been a huge obstacle for us. Sure we always had heating blankets around, but it scares me to think what we would have done on the 40 degree nights. He would have gotten colder then normal, his body temperature could easily have gone down to 94/95 degrees (which had happened a few times), his heart rate would then dive down and it would have not been a fun experience for anyone.

I will say we have had the option of staying in a hotel, which we have been doing. However, the hotel is about 25 miles away, so for Bear and I it’s not the worst thing in the world for a hot shower and heat every day. But with Quinlan, we had nurses come take care of him while we went to work every day, would they have made the commute for us? If not, that’s more time off for me and Bear. Maybe lost wages. Who knows. Another obstacle.

I know many of you are probably saying “Why are you even thinking about this?” And really, I admit that I shouldn’t be. But being a mom of a special needs child, I don’t think the thoughts ever go away. The “what if’s” are always there. There are parents going through very similar situations right now, being displaced from their homes with medically fragile kids and what do they do? They do it, they make it work, but it’s a lot. Tragedies are happening all over. All I can do is think about those parents whose houses has been flooded or destroyed by a hurricane. Did they grab all of their child’s meds? Did they get out in time before their ventilators or oxygen machines floated away? There are so many questions they need to answer for themselves, I can’t help but think the questions for them as well. I don’t think there will ever be a situation where I don’t think about Quinlan and what would we have done.

For now, my brain is still hard wired to think like a special needs parent. I can only hope that I can retrain my brain to think otherwise in the future.

💚Mama Bear

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