So, I’ve kinda been lying for a bit. Yes, I’ve taken a little blog hiatus for the most part. Yes, we moved and boxes have been spread around the house, pictures are not hung up like I want them to be yet (pet peeve of mine), and I’ve been feeling a bit scatter brained lately. But I haven’t exactly been sharing the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
As many of you may already know, the IVF worked! The science and technology we have surrounding us these days has made it possible for us to be expecting later this year!
So, now you know why my brain has barely been able to put two words together, never mind a few paragraphs. Why the new place is not as put together as I would like it to be. And if you have spoken to me in the last couple months, why I may be bitchier/more emotional/wider in the midsection then I have been in the past.
This past week is the first time in 10 weeks (that’s over 3 months, people) that I have not been nauseous every. single. day. And while my husband keeps reminding me that this is what we want, and it is, it’s been tough.
I won’t go into the nitty gritty but let’s just say Quinlan was much nicer to me in the womb then this child has been. But, I wouldn’t change it for anything! All looks good and I’m moving forward (without as much nausea, finally! Thank the heavens above!)
Now with this new, very exciting, stage in our life, also comes new people, new emotions, and new aggravation’s (mainly from the hormones but nonetheless).
I have met some of the most amazing women through this journey. All with a different story to tell, but all with the same desire: to be a mom to a “healthy” baby. I put quotes around “healthy” because to me (and I know we all have different opinions about this), having a child who doesn’t have a trach is healthy. A child who doesn’t have seizures is healthy. A child who can sit on their own is healthy. A child who can get a cough or a cold and not need to have the doctor on speed dial in case a trip to the ER is needed is healthy. Of course I want nothing more then to have all of the above and more, but to have a child who can merely look at me and say “mama” would be the greatest gift I could ever imagine. And I think it’s safe to say after meeting so many moms, that I’m not the only mom out there who desires just that.
Along with the new found bump I’m so proudly showing these days, I’m also feeling the not-so-unexplained-all-over-emotions that usually come with the bump. I find myself not crying when I feel like I should be (i.e., the movie “Coco” which was amazing and filled with so much emotion, and yet I didn’t shed a tear. I’m pretty sure my sister cried enough for the both of us). I have had a couple of those moments where you maybe lash out at those around you, for no particular reason, but they’re there so they have to face the brunt of it (sorry, Bear!) and then feel guilty afterwards because it really was a hormonal outburst. Oops. And then, of course, the usual breakdowns that happen because 1) I’m pregnant, 2) pregnant with my second child who I have dreamed about for as long as I can remember. But 3) this second child will never know their older brother. And that’s where the most emotion comes in. It’s heartbreaking that I will never have a picture of my two children together. Or that picture that everyone gets in the hospital where the older sibling comes in and sits on the bed, then gets the new baby places in their arms. And that picture of the older sibling kissing your pregnant belly. Such a photo op moment that will never come with this pregnancy. I will instead know that my second born will always have their older brother looking down on them. They will carry on a part of him in their name. And they will ALWAYS be told about how amazing their older brother was (and how he has even changed medicine. Plus, they’ll be able to read about him in medical journals, not many people can say that!)
It’s not going to be easy. But I have to keep reminding myself that because something isn’t easy, it doesn’t mean it can’t have wonderful moments. We have had plenty over the last four years, and expecting many more to come (this, in turn, brings me to a whole other topic: how the hell do you raise a “normal” child? More to come on this later).
So, while in the hormonal outbursts I know I will have again and again over the next few months, if you could all just bear with me and know that I will most likely be apologizing momentarily. I’m growing a human here!