Happy “goodbye to 2017, hello 2018” day! As much as I’m more then happy to kick 2017 out the door and welcome 2018 in with the hope of more positivity and good health, I can’t say I’m not feeling bittersweet about kicking 2017 to the curb. 2017 was the last time I held Quinlan in my arms. The last time I could kiss his cheeks. The year he was supposed to start preschool. The last time I could walk into my grandparents house and say “Hey Bump!”. The last time we could take a family picture with our entire family present. It was a year that took a lot from many people I love.
It should go without saying that I want nothing more than to have a better 2018. But what would make a “better” year for us. One without loss and sadness? One where we get rich, pay off debt, buy a house, and take a vacation? Or maybe a year that I feel more contentment, and less disappointment? Is any of that possible?
Maybe in this new world we live in, a “better” 2018 means that we know that loss is going to happen and yet we will get through it, someway, somehow. Loss is never easy, it’s not supposed to be easy. It’s a part of you that is gone, missing. You will never be the same. However, just knowing you will somehow get through the emotions caused by whatever has been taken or lost can help. Using the people and support system around you, can make things feel just a bit better in the long run. So, let’s all use each other and know we can all get through whatever is thrown at us.
Maybe a “better” 2018 means that I can feel sad. We can all feel sad. And we can know it’s okay. It seems that the pull of different emotions back and forth is what can cause more stress and anxiety than is necessary, at least in my new world. It helps to know (and to be reassured by others) that whatever emotion I’m feeling, is the right emotion at that time. No one should feel down on themselves for feeling sad during what should be a happy time, nor should anyone feel that a happy emotion doesn’t belong on a sad day. I, myself, continue to have multiple days in a row of feeling ok, or dare I say, I feel good. Then in the midst of these positive feelings, what seems out of no where (even though there is no “out of no where” after losing a child. Memories, feelings, emotions are everywhere, all the time), I break. Emotions galore. Ugly crying. There’s no holding back. But it’s okay, and it feels good. So, let’s all be sad, and be proud (and if you want to be happy, damn it, be happy).
After all the sadness and heartbreak brought to us by the lovely 2017, it’s not possible to say that nothing good came from last year. New babies have been brought into our lives (including my boo of all boo’s, my niece Bella). New pregnancies have been announced. Relationships have blossomed. And hope has become stronger. Maybe using all of the good, it will allow for more contentment to be able to ooze into our lives more naturally. Unfortunately I don’t think disappointment can go away completely, but maybe with a new way of thinking, more feelings of peace, knowing that the feelings we feel are real and we are all here for each other through the tough times, the disappointment will lessen in general.
So, now I guess I can say cheers to 2018. I don’t want to say to “new beginnings”. That makes me think something had to end in order to allow for the new beginning. Nothing for me has ended. Things are continuing, differently then before, harder then before, and not exactly expected, but they are continuing. So, instead of a cheers to new beginnings, I say cheers to new milestones in 2018! (And hopefully more babies! Oh, and if I do happen to get rich, pay off debt, buy a house, and take a vacation, I’d totally be okay with that too!)