Dear ____________ ,
I want to start by stating that there really are no words that can be said at a time like this that will change the way you are feeling. I am by NO means a “grief” expert (“grief”, another word I’m starting to despise, by the way, for no real reason other then I’m sick of it, sick of feeling it, and sick of knowing that it exists for wayyyyy too many of us who now have to live on this earth without the love of our lives), so you may read this and think “What is this girl talking about. This is not how I feel. She knows nothing.” And that’s totally fair, and I completely understand. Sometimes you don’t want to hear anything that’s going to “help” because it seems like nothing ever will.
However, what IS fair to say in all this is that it sucks. It’s unjust. It’s shitty. It blows. It’s heartbreaking, completely and utterly heartbreaking. You lost your person. You want to scream, yet never talk again. You want to hide in your bed, yet surround yourself with others. You may throw things (make sure they are soft things). You may hit things (again, make sure it’s something soft…couch cushions work great). You may swear, cry, yell, cry some more, yell some more, swear while yelling and crying, and then sit there wondering if you have any tears left. Yep, there they are. Crying resumes.
You’re going to wonder how you can go on without the person who means the most to you. You’re going to be sad, very, very sad. You will miss the person so much it literally hurts, an ache deep in your gut. There will likely be moments when you “forget” what has happened and a smile may appear across your face, or you’ll laugh at something funny that happened the other day…then realize, wait a minute, my person is gone. The smile is gone and you’re devastated.
There may be days when you feel like you should be crying but the tears just won’t come out. Instead you find yourself lost in an emptiness. You might be watching a tv show and the main character has a _____ (fill in the blank, mine would be “son”) and they’re so happy and healthy and ew. So, of course, you flip them off, then turn the tv off and go _____ (fill in the blank, mine would be “cry/clean/pour a glass of wine/yell” etc etc).
Now here’s the kicker, and don’t hate me for saying it, but, you will feel better again.
It doesn’t seem possible right now.
But it is.
A friend, who also lost her son, listens to me quite often explain every feeling I have (the happy and the sad) and continues to reassure me that these feelings are ok (and who knows better then someone who has ridden the same roller coaster of emotions). So I want to do that for you. These feelings are ok. All the crying, yelling, swearing, sadness, devastation, it’s all ok. But so are the smiles, laughs, and happy thoughts. Those are ok, too. The person you lost would NOT want you to never smile or laugh again.
Another thing you may not like to hear right now is that the thing that will help the most is going to be time. Dreaded time. I’m not saying it will make it easier. But it will help. You may notice you’ll eventually smile more and feel less guilty for it. You may start remembering the good times more often then remembering what happened on that stupid date on the calendar that forever changed your life.
It might not be today, tomorrow or the next day, or maybe it will be tomorrow but then not again for 5 days, but things will change.
We can all remind each other of this. But in the meantime, THIS SUCKS, I’m more then happy to say it with you.
But, it will get better.