Today’s the day for sunsets and mountains

Today I’m tired. You would think after having a week long vacation from work I’d be refreshed and recharged. I think I need a vacation from my vacation. I stayed overnight in Maine, NH, Vermont (and obviously Mass) all within 10 days. It was so nice to get away, but I’m so looking forward to a weekend home…with nothing planned except to watch the Patriots game with some friends and eat chili.

My vacation started two weeks ago with a day at the beach, relaxing. The next day was the celebration for Quinlan, which as I said before, was such a beautiful day celebrating him with family and friends. Wednesday and Thursday I spent in Maine with my brother and sister-in-law, niece and nephew. Lots of sun, sand, wine, maybe some Fireball and again relaxing. Spent the day at home Friday, then went up to Lake Winnipesauke for the night Saturday. It rained so what else would we do but a 1000 piece puzzle. Need I repeat, it was relaxing. Luckily for me it was a long weekend, with it being Labor day, so I got an extra day to do what? Relax. A 4-day work week broke up my traveling for a few days, then it was up to Vermont for a celebration for my grandfather. Lots of family time, admiring the amazing views that you can only find in northern New England, of course food, and…..relaxing.

Do you see a pattern here? If all I did for the last 2 weeks is relax then why am I tired?

My therapist asked me today how I was doing. A pretty typical question I get asked often, not just by my therapist but also from friends, family, co-workers, etc etc. I told her the answer that I’m actually feeling. I’m feeling better. Is that weird? Today is the 16th anniversary of 9/11, and I’m feeling better? People are being flooded out of their homes, being evacuated (including my family), living in extreme heat with no power…and I’m feeling better? Someone close to me just found out that someone very close to her has cancer, but I’m feeling better? I’m confusing myself. Is this why I’m so tired? Because my feelings aren’t matching up to how I “should” be feeling, my brain and my heart are battling each other?

Maybe I’m feeling better because I’m finally feeling hopeful. I was told today that I appear to be moving forward, and not looking backward…as much. This is how I want to feel. I’ve waited a long time to get to a point where I can feel this way, even half the time. Maybe this isn’t the right time to be feeling hopeful, and maybe the feeling won’t last, but as I’ve said before, I’m going with it because who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow.

I’m hopeful for Bear and I’s future as parents. I’m hopeful that in the midst of mother nature striking hard, people are coming together to help each other out. I’m hopeful that no matter what happens with the people you love, you can be there to support them in any way possible. (I’m hopeful that the Patriots will learn from their mistakes Thursday night). And I’m hopeful that the good will always outshine the bad.

While driving down one of the many dirt roads this weekend, in the boondocks of Vermont, we saw the most amazing sunset behind the mountains. It was pink and purple, and could not have been painted more perfect. My grandmother asked “How can there be so much bad in this world, with something as beautiful as that?” That’s a great question, considering at the same moment we were talking about how beautiful mother nature can be, Florida was getting pelted by Irma. Maybe this is how we have to consider all situations: when something is horrible in one place at one time, it’s near perfect in another. Because we know there will come a time again soon when Florida will be the beautiful Sunshine State we all know and love, with beaches as flawless as ever, and Vermont will be freezing with snow piled higher then cars.

Mother nature is weird, feelings are weird. They both appear in happy, beautiful ways, yet both can strike in harsh and hurtful ways. I suppose we all have to remember that times will change and even in the darkest of times, the pinks and purples will eventually appear, even if it’s just for a few brief moments.

💚Mama Bear

1 Comment

  1. megabrooke says:

    Feelings are weird, aren’t they? I think hope is one of the best feelings… the idea of what’s possible. I also think it’s totally okay and normal to feel more than one thing at once, and honoring all the different waves of feeling is important. You’re allowed to feel better but also feel sad… feel hopeful but also scared. It’s in acknowledging all the different emotions and learning to accept that it’s okay to feel whatever we’re feeling that being content happens. That all takes practice, I’m sure, but to me it seems you’re really rocking navigating through this grief with an open heart and mind. Hugs to you and so much admiration comong your way for your grace through everything.

    Liked by 1 person

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